Slothful Stories
by Dragonlord Stephi
Summary: As if being a part-time secretary and part-time villain isn't hard enough, Sloth also has to raise Wrath and suppress maternal instincts for Edward Elric. A collection of shorts about Trisha!Sloth and her life with the other Seven Deadly Sins (plus Dante).
1. Fuhrer for a Day

A/N: So, this is a collection of the first fanfics I ever wrote at least two or three years ago, and I thought I'd upload them. They're not the best, but oh well.

* * *

Fuhrer for a Day

It was another incredibly slow day at work. Sloth's desk was completely devoid of all paperwork- a miracle in itself, she thought, then smiled- and the Fuhrer's wife hadn't called at all that day to complain that she was certain there was something going on between Mr. Bradley and his secretary.

"Of all things," she whispered. "I never thought I'd be _bored _at work."

At just that moment, Fuhrer King Bradley, also known as the homunculus Pride, burst into the room. "Juliette Douglas! Be a doll, head down to the supermarket, and buy me a bottle of hard lemonade!"  
She sighed and returned in twenty minutes. "Here you are, Mr. Bradley."  
"Thanks, Juli. You're sweet. Oh, by the way, there's something important I have to tell you."

"Go ahead."  
"My wife is planning a vacation, but I don't know who I can trust to take my place and follow Dante's plans while I'm gone... so, will you be willing to be Fuhrer for a day?"

Sloth almost fell over. "What? Fuhrer for a day?"

"Yes. It's pretty much what you do everyday, since all us sins know you're really the one running the country. Just- be careful. Oh, and if you have to go to a meeting, stay awake. Just a word of advice."

"Um, sure. When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow. I'll be back in time for work soon. Do you think you can handle it, Miss Douglas?"

"Probably."

"That's the spirit! I should probably pay you overtime too."

"That's okay, Fuhrer."

"I should also arrange for someone to watch Wrath too."

"It's okay. Greed has babysitting duty; it's his turn."

* * *

Meanwhile, with Greed...

"Please please please can you take me to the playground?" Wrath pleaded.

"No. The last time I took you there, you joined your body with the swings and gave everyone there a tremendous fright. Do you know how much work it took Sloth to erase that scandal from the news?"

"I dunno. But take me, please! I'll be a good boy! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEAAASE!"

"Just take him!" Lust screamed. She was sick with a fever and did not think Wrath's whining would help her recover. Gluttony had promised to go buy her a get-well-soon treat, but everyone knew there would be no treat by the time he got back. Dante had gone down to the pharmacy under the excuse that she needed to buy some painkillers for Lust's headache- and the migraine that Wrath was giving her- but Greed was certain she just wanted to get away from Wrath's whining.

"I can't! He'll morph with some equipment and do something stupid again! What, you think we need the entire military at our front door?"  
"TAKE ME TO THE PARK!" Wrath screamed.

Envy turned the radio volume in an attempt to hear the news. Unfortunately, not only did he still not understand anything because only static came out of the speakers, it made the noise louder and Lust felt even worse.

"Greed, if you don't make that brat shut up, I swear, your Ultimate Shield is going to need some major repairing..."

"Fine! Come on, let's go to the park. Promise me you'll pretend to be a normal human."

"That's lying. Mommy says lying is wrong. Only bad guys lie."

"Wrath..." Greed was seriously annoyed. "WE ARE THE BAD GUYS!"

* * *

At first, her work day was just like any other. She finished loads of paperwork, made a list of people that were to be promoted, then somehow ended up with an extra fifteen minutes before her lunch break. She had just turned on the radio to listen to some recent news when Maes Hughes burst in.

"Hey! Miss Douglas, is the Fuhrer in?"

"Unfortunately, he isn't. I'm taking over his duties until he returns. How may I help you?"

"Are you aware of the Scar investigation?"

"Very."  
"Well, we received a tip-off that some Ishbalans in a refugee camp are holding him. What should I do?"

Sloth tried to think how she could respond without sounding overly evil- which she was. "Um... I suppose... send out a couple of troops... and... I dunno... investigate?"

"Sure."

"Hughes."

"Hmm?"

"Don't kill more than necessary."

"Got it. Oh, and do you want to see some pictures of my daughter?"

"No, scumbag."

"Suit yourself."

Once he left, she was surprised when yet another man coming in requesting the Fuhrer. She was sorely tempted to make him go away, but instead she said, "I am taking over the Fuhrer's duties until he returns. How may I help you?"

"Well, um... we need reinforcements in Liore."

Sloth opened a notebook, flipped a few pages until she found what she was looking for, then read it. "Lt. Travesty, is that it?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Well, we've already sent more troops than necessary to Liore. How about we make a deal. I'll send some reinforcements, and if you don't solve the problem, you're going to have to get your help from somewhere else."  
"All right. Could you send a State Alchemist, like Fullmetal?"

At first, it seemed almost golden. She might get him killed, and that would help Dante's plans go a lot smoother, but she wanted him in Central, where she could still watch him and wistfully imagine herself as his mother before deciding she wasn't.

"Take your pick." She handed him a list, making sure to cross out 'Fullmetal' before she did so. "Now... is there anything else?"

"No, thank you."

* * *

"Greed! I'm stuck! Help me down!" Wrath had recently climbed a tree, proud of his accomplishment, only to look down and get scared of the great height.

"You are the most spoiled homunculus in Amestris, you know that?" Greed grumbled. "The sooner your mommy's done playing president, the happier I'll be."

During her lunch break, Sloth discovered she had forgotten to bring anything to eat. "So..." she mused. "I can either go out and spend more money than I need to so I can eat out, or I can eat cafeteria food." She glanced at the cafeteria menu, made a gagging sound, then grabbed her wallet. "Eating out it is."

When she returned, she found a huge pile of paperwork on her desk. "How is it that I'm getting more paperwork today than other days?" she grumbled. "It's not like I haven't been running the country already."

At the end of the day, she was extremely exhausted and fell over on her bed. Lust, who still had a fever, said, "Sloth, could you head down and buy me some medicine?"

"You're a homunculus," Sloth groaned. "How in Amestris do you possibly get sick?"

Lust shrugged.

* * *

The next day housed a greater predicament for Sloth than the one before. "I can't believe I'm sick!" she moaned. "Now who's going to take care of the country?"

"Call in sick and ask," Dante replied. It was her turn to cook, and it wasn't going very well. She had tried making French toast, but it had turned out to be blackened and gross. Her scrambled eggs didn't look much better.

When Sloth called in to report she was sick, the operator didn't believe it. "You NEVER get sick, Miss Douglas."

"Well, I'm sick now," she snapped. "Who do you think can possibly replace me?"

"General Hakuro, maybe," she said. "Hold on, let me contact him."

After two minutes, the operator returned. "Gen. Hakuro is currently on vacation with the Fuhrer. There's no one who can replace you- I spoke with the Fuhrer himself. He doesn't trust anyone."

So that was how, when she was burning with a hundred-degree fever and feeling sick, Sloth was filing paperwork and being a stand-in for the country's aloof dictator-like leader.

"You know what," she mumbled to herself as she signed stack of papers after stack of papers. "I'm really going to ask the Fuhrer to pay me overtime."

She was genuinely surprised, then, when Greed came in with a bouquet of flowers. "So, um, Sloth," he said, handing her the flowers and a balloon that said GET WELL SOON.

"What?"

"Well, get well soon... good job being Fuhrer for a day and all, and... um... will you eat dinner with me at Papa Tom's pizza?"

Sloth took the flowers and hit him on the head with them. "No, I will not go out with you, Greed," she retorted. "Thank you for the flowers, though. They're rather nice."

"No prob. Oh well. It was worth a try. Also... how in the world do you MAKE WRATH SHUT UP?"

Sloth smiled. "Play with him. Interact with him. I don't know. Ooh, I have a marvelous idea! Take him out for ice-cream. He's sure to love that." She waited, realized that since she was technically the Fuhrer (at least for a little while), she could give Greed orders, then said, "Greed, while you're at it... could you buy your temporary Fuhrer a triple-dipped-chocolate-fudge-with-sprinkles-vanilla-ice-cream-cone?"

"If my Fuhrer-for-a-day will go out with me."

"Not a chance."

"No ice-cream for you, then."

"I'd rather die than go out with you, Greed."

"You can't die."

"Exactly."

That was also how Sloth had no ice-cream while she was being Fuhrer for a day, but when she arrived home, she was surprised to see a giant ice-cream sundae waiting for her on the table. Lust was eating a smaller cone.

"Greed got it for you," Lust said. She apparently was feeling much better.

"Oh, that's nice of him. I'm still not eating out with him."

"He knows, but Wrath wouldn't shut up until he bought you one."

"The perks of being a mother," Sloth said as she began eating. It was a heavenly tasting ice-cream sundae, and she wondered how much it cost. Probably quite a bit. "Where's Greed now?"

"With Wrath someplace."

* * *

"Wrath, I will not buy you a radio."

"WHY NOT?! I WANT ME A RADIO!"

"Wrath, the one we have at home is just fine."

"Yeah, but this one is PURPLE. The other one is just a boring brown color. Please?"

"No."

"I'll tell Mommy on you!"

"I don't care."

Greed was feeling very exasperated and wondered how Sloth managed to babysit the boy every spare moment she had from work.

"I want a radio!"

"How about this, kid," Greed said, reaching into his wallet. "I'll give you twenty dollars for you to spend on anything you want-anything!- while Uncle Greedy goes out and has a little fun at the pub."

"Pubs are for grown-ups. I can't go there."

"Exactly. I'm 400. You are... what, 10? So you can't go, but I can. I'll meet you here. If you get into any trouble while I'm gone... Uncle Greedy won't give you anymore money. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

When Greed returned to pick up Wrath, he was surprised to find that Wrath had waited for him without doing anything. "The radio cost twenty-five dollars," Wrath pouted.

"Did someone buy it? I don't see it anymore."

Wrath grinned evilly. "I absorbed it into my skin! I stole it!"

Greed smiled. "You are one bad seed, kid. You fit in with us homunculii perfectly."


	2. I'm Only Four

I'm Only Four

Greed had just cooked a lavish dinner, full of plump, roast pigs and ham, apples, danishes, and other delicacies that none of the other sins could believe he actually knew how to cook. "You pick some stuff up, after 400 years," Greed said, watching Gluttony stuff an entire pork into his mouth.

"You should have cooked something with less calories for Gluttony," Dante said. "He's on a diet."

"Well, I'm sorry. In 400 years, none of you mentioned that to me at all."  
"I'm 400," Envy said, sounding bored. He was ripping apart another pig, imagining it to be Edward Elric, or even better, Hohenheim.

"I'm older than 400," Dante offered, "but by how much is a secret. I will never tell you my exact age- it's a rule, once you're immortal and get past 400."  
"I think I'm only 16 or 17," Lust said. "I was created just a little before the Ishbalan Massacre."

"You _look _like a teenager," Greed pointed out. He turned to Wrath. "How old are you?"

"I'm ten," he said. "I think."

"Gluttony's 400," Dante said. "That leaves only Sloth."

Sloth looked down at her plate. "I'd rather not say."

"Oh, come on," Lust said. "Trisha was the Elrics' mother. You can't be ridiculously old."  
"I'm not," Sloth replied, seeming to get more and more downcast with each passing moment. "I'm ridiculously young."

"Out with it, girlfriend!" Greed shouted. "You can't be the only one who keeps this under wraps. We all shared."

"I'm not your girlfriend," Sloth muttered, "and actually, I've been thinking about this a lot. The truth is..."

"Uh-huh..."

"I'm only four."

This produced mad fits of laughter. "That means that Wrath is older than you!" Envy cackled. "Man, that's good!"

Sloth stood. "If you're going to make fun of me," she said, "this four-year-old is going out to play." She walked briskly out of the room, then slammed the door behind her. After another few seconds, they could hear another door slamming.

"I think she left the house," Lust said.

"Well, if she can't handle a joke, then too bad," Envy said. "She's been getting kind of edgy lately."

"Stress," Lust said.

"Depression," Dante added.

"Naw, I think it's just stupidity," Greed said.

"Uncle Greedy, that's mean!" Wrath said. "Someone go get Mommy!"

"I suppose someone should," Dante said with a sigh. "Envy, you're the one who offended her, so get over there and apologize."

Envy groaned."Do I have to?"

"If you want dessert."

* * *

Sloth had fled to the one place where she felt at ease: a swing by a lake. She liked it because the swing was made of wood under a tree, and felt strangely comforting, and because a lake was nearby.

This was also where Trisha and Hohenheim met.

She told herself it was just a coincidence she liked to be there and so did Trisha. "It's just because of the lake," she whispered. "It has nothing to do with Trisha's memories."

As she sat there, she wondered whether she should stop some of her habits since she was technically still underage. "Well, that means I can't date Greed," she thought. "Or anyone else for that matter. I guess that also means I can't have any more of the red wine when I come back from work. That stinks- it's kind of needed. Since I'm underage, I also shouldn't be working. And the worst part is... since I'm four... I should be in kindergarten." She shuddered as memories of Trisha in kindergarten flooded her mind. Judging by what Trisha had gone through, it was not a very pleasant place.

She looked up from the serene waters as the butterfly on a flower shimmered and turned into a tall, dashing young man. "What do you want, Envy?"  
"I want to apologize," he said. "Sorry. You'll be 400 eventually, so enjoy being young. The older you are, the more you see things in the world that are remarkably stupid. Like humans. And... you start getting so weary, and eventually you start thinking you're remarkably stupid too."  
"You feel like that?"

"No. That's Lust's message for you- and she's only sixteen. I wonder how in the world she feels like that already. I thought you were depressed, but it looks like Lust has a more severe case. ANYWAY... I like being old. It's fun! Something to brag about. Lust wants to die so she doesn't have to see too much- I want to see it all! Hurting humans is relaxing."  
"Uh-huh. Sure." Sloth stood. "Have you guys had dessert yet?"  
"No. Dante said we wouldn't until I fetched you again."

* * *

Dessert was strawberry shortcake. "We should have you cook every day, Greed!" Sloth said as she bit into the soft treat.

"Why did you want to learn to cook?" Lust asked. "Because it attracts girls?"

"Well, yes and no. I started cooking for another reason, but it's true that I don't mind the plus of girls who are looking for a man who likes barbeque. I started cooking because I'm greedy- I want everything, and that includes knowledge."

Wrath started jumping up and down in his chair. "Mommy, I think I'm on a sugar rush!" he cried.

"Correction," Greed said. "I want _almost _everything. There is no way on Amestris I want to babysit that brat."

"That's mean," Sloth said. She turned to Wrath. "Do you want to go to bed, sweetie?"

"No! I'm on a sugar rush! I need to burn energy! Take me to the gym!"

"Wrath, sweetie, the gym is for grown-ups, not for little kids."  
"You go to the gym and you're only four!"  
"That's different," Dante growled. "Unlike you, Sloth has the memories of an adult. In other words... she's four but she has memories of 30 years of being Trisha Elric..."  
"So, technically, that means she's 34," Lust said. "Oh man! That makes me 37! _She_ was 21 when she died."  
Dante frowned. "I'm still older than all of you, even if you count your memories. I created the first three of you."

"Yep, she did," Greed said with a sigh. "I don't remember how old _he _was when he died."

"Does that make you feel better?" Envy said. "Now you're older than Wrath- he died as a newborn."

Wrath jumped up and down in his chair. "Gym gym gym gym!"

"Wrath, if you want to go to the gym, you're going to get a haircut first," Sloth said, using the one tactic that always worked.

"NOOOO! No haircut! Okay, okay, okay! I'll go to bed like a good boy. No gym, no haircut!" He rushed up the stairs.

"For a four-year-old," Lust said, "you sure are a good mother."

Sloth smiled. "34, remember?"

Lust grinned. "How about we head down to the spa and have us a girls' night out? Do you want to come too, Dante?"

Dante shook her head. "No, I have more evil schemes to plan. Why don't you two head down and have a good time, all right? Don't stay out too late."

"So... if I'm 34," Sloth said, "that means I can work, drink my wine, and..." She broke into a huge grin as she realized what being 34 also meant. "I can SKIP KINDERGARTEN!"

"What in Amestris?" Lust asked.

Sloth winked. "It's a long, long, story."


	3. The Take-Your-Kid-to-Work-Day Predicamen

The Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day Predicament

Sloth was in a blithe mood as she began tidying up her desk, neatly tucking paperwork into her suitcase to finish it at home, and carefully polishing the frame of her picture of Wrath with a white cloth. She was humming too. "Work day's over," she said with a sigh of relief.

Just as she was leaving the building, she bumped into Roy Mustang. "Hello, Col.," she greeted.

"Hello yourself, Miss Douglas," Roy said. "Everything going well?"

"Why, yes. Thank you! How about you?"  
Roy's smile evaporated. "Actually, I am trying to think of ways to miraculously get sick by tomorrow," he confided. "Every year, something goes wrong, and then I get blamed for it!"

"What's tomorrow?" Sloth asked. She wondered if she should consider getting sick herself. Assessment Day for the State Alchemists- a living horror for her, with so many papers to check over- wasn't until next week. She didn't understand Roy's anxiety, but it made her slightly worried as well. The colonel didn't get anxious often.

"It's Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day!" Roy wailed. "Screams! Shouts! Havoc and chaos will ensue! Barely any work will be done!" He continued listing the disadvantages of Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day, and Sloth wondered if she should slap him. Right when she was about to, Roy composed himself. "I suppose you don't have any children, Miss Douglas?" he asked.

Hoping the conversation wouldn't turn incredibly awkward, she answered, "Yes. I have a son."

Roy replied, with a twinkle in his eyes, "How sweet. Father ran off on you, huh? Heard you were still single."

It had just turned incredibly awkward.

"There was no father," Sloth said, fighting down a very strong urge to attack Roy for asking such an intimate question. "My darling boy was adopted." She briefly wondered whether others would think Miss Douglas' 'darling boy' was illegitimate, but she pushed the question out of her mind. After all, she wasn't going to take Wrath with her to Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day.

There were too many scenarios of things going wrong in her head.

"Well," Roy said with a yawn. "I have no children, but my office will be full of little brats. I should get some sleep. Have a good night, Miss Douglas."

"You too, Roy," she said, watching him walk away. She turned to go home and was struck by a wave of longing that had recently started hitting her more and more often. She wanted so badly to call Edward Elric her darling boy and take _him _to work. "Stop it," she chided herself. "You're not his mother. You're Wrath's."

Telling herself that didn't make her want it any less.

* * *

Envy had cooked dinner, and it seemed the main course was an unappetizing gray sludge.

"Greed learned to cook in 400 years," Dante said, attempting to have her call go through to Papa Tom's Pizza for a home delivery. "Why couldn't you?"

"Sorry," Envy said, shrugging and not looking very remorseful at all. "You never gave me many pointers."  
"She didn't give Greed many either," Lust pointed out, staring at her sludge and wondering if Gluttony would be willing to break his diet for an extra serving. By then, Dante's phone call had gone through and she had ordered a large combo.

"How was work?" Greed asked Sloth.

"You don't care at all."  
Greed glanced at Envy, then whispered, "I don't, but I care about the current subject, Envy's cooking, even less. So. How was work?"

Sloth sighed. "It was fine. I have some paperwork to finish up after dinner, but it won't take too long." She glanced around to see if Wrath was in the room, and pleased that he wasn't, she added, "Tomorrow is Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day."  
Lust jumped up, knocking over her bowl of sludge, and cried, "Joy! I don't have to babysit the little twerp tomorrow!"

"You're going to have to do your turn the day after," Dante reminded her as she sat down at the table. "Pizza's on its way."

"I'm afraid you'll have to babysit him tomorrow anyway," Sloth sighed. "I can't take him. He'll do something dumb, like when Greed took him to the park and he merged with the swings." Everyone nodded, and Greed closed his eyes as memories of that horrible day returned. "I just don't think it's a good idea," she added.

Lust stared at her blankly, as if the words hadn't quite registered. After a moment, a look of complete horror passed over her face and she fell to her knees. "Please, Sloth!" she begged. "I won't go down without a fight!"

"Just take the kid," Envy said. "It won't hurt."

"It's going to take me a lot of convincing," Sloth muttered.

"Convincing to do what?" Wrath's cheerful voice cried out as the young boy emerged from his room.

"Your mommy doesn't want to take you to Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day," Lust said, speaking quickly. She had seen her chance and seized it with both hands. If Wrath made a big enough temper tantrum, Sloth would have no choice but to appease him and make him shut up- and everyone knew the only way that would happen was if Wrath got what he wanted.

Wrath's lip quivered and tears sprung to his eyes. Sloth's own eyes widened as she realized Lust's tactic. "You're evil," Sloth hissed.

"So are you. We're homunculii, remember?"

Rivers were flowing down Wrath's cheeks and Sloth could tell he was ready to start wailing and screaming. "All right, all right!" Sloth said quickly. "I'll take you!"

"Yay, Mommy!" Thank you thank you thank you!" Wrath jumped up and down in his glee, and even began running around the kitchen. "Mommy's taking me to work! Mommy's taking me to work!"

At that moment, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Sloth offered. She walked to the door and opened it to see a teenager with a hat that said "Papa Tom's Pizza."

"Hey, um... are you Lyra?"

"That's me," Dante said, walking up to the door.

"Pizza's ready for you. That'll be twenty dollars."

Dante frowned and drew a knife. "How about you set the pizza down and leave?" she asked sweetly.

The delivery boy, scared, set down the pizza and ran. Dante, laughing, threw a bag containing twenty-one dollars in coins at his fleeing form. It struck him in the head. "My aim hasn't faltered in four hundred years," she said to herself. Then, louder, she called out, "There's the money. Keep the change!" Still laughing, she picked up the pizza box and kicked the door shut. "Dinner's here."

Sloth, eating a slice of pizza, smiled. It wasn't half-bad, being evil.

* * *

The next morning, Sloth rose before the dawn. "If Lust can be evil, so can I," she whispered. Carefully tip-toeing past Wrath's room so she wouldn't wake him, Sloth made her way to the kitchen and grabbed a slice of toast for breakfast. She was about to leave for work when a voice, cutting through the air, stopped her.

"Going somewhere, Sloth?"

Sloth turned around to see Lust, who was smiling broadly, and Wrath. "Lust woke me up early!" Wrath said. "She said you might leave without me, so I got dressed really fast!"

Sloth groaned. "You're desperate, aren't you, Lust?"

Lust shrugged. "Have you _seen _that boy after some candy?"

Sloth nodded. "Why do you think I tried to keep him home?"

* * *

Wrath couldn't shut up the entire day. "Wow, Mommy! Those soldiers look scary! Oh, and you know what else? The Elric brothers are here, Mommy! Can I get my other arm and leg?" He gazed over at Edward, imaging ripping limbs off.

"Not today, sweetie," Sloth said, looking straight ahead and wondering if she was just being paranoid and everything would go perfectly.

Roy Mustang, walking in the opposite direction, saw Wrath. "Oh, he's your son, isn't he, Juliette?" Sloth nodded. "What's his name?"

Sloth wracked her mind and blurted out the first name that popped into her head. "Romeo!" Noticing Mustang's surprised look, she repeated it. "This is my son. Romeo."  
"Romeo and Juliette, huh?" Mustang said. "Now, why does that sound so familiar?" He walked down the hallway, waving goodbye, and still mumbling to himself. "Seriously, I could have sworn I've heard those two names together before..."

When Sloth finally reached her desk, she was greeted by a phone call. Sighing, she answered it. "Hello. You have reached the office of Fuhrer King Bradley. How may I help you?"

"I know all about your scandal, you little witch! There's something going on between you two!" Sloth sighed. The Fuhrer's wife. Today, of all days.

"Look, ma'am, I have a son and am currently divorced. I am not interested in having a relationship with another man. I tell you this every day. Please, I have paperwork to do." Sloth then hung up, only to realize Wrath had disappeared.

"Wra- I mean, Romeo?" she called.

"Here I am, Mommy!" Wrath said.

Sighing, Sloth looked under her desk. Sure enough, there was Wrath, drinking some juice. "Where did you get that juice?" She asked.

"The vending machine."

"You brought coins?"  
"No. I merged with it and manipulated it to drop the juice box," Wrath said. "No one saw me, though."

Sloth frowned. "You know you're not supposed to do that when others might be around." She wrinkled her nose. "What is that smell?"

"Oh, yeah. Mommy, I forgot to tell you that this is my fifteenth juice box. I had a ton at home too."

"I still don't see..."

"Mommy, I peed my pants!"

* * *

After a few more hours, Sloth was seriously at her wit's end. She hadn't brought a change of pants for Wrath- why would she? He had never leaked before- so he had to transmute a pair out of curtains when no one was looking. Even so, it didn't stop Pride from asking her why the window behind her desk had curtains on only one side.

Sloth had brought home-made lunches for her lunch break to avoid the cafeteria food, but Wrath desperately wanted to try it. He almost threw a fit too when she didn't buy a meal for herself, so she had to get back in line and buy another meal.

"Kid problems?" she heard someone behind her say.

"Oh, be quiet, Lt. Col. Hughes," she muttered.

"Oh well. It's only to be expected. After all- it's impossible to have children as well-behaved as my darling Elicia! Here, want to see a picture?" Hughes dug into his shirt pocket, but Sloth held up her hand.

"No, Hughes. I do not want to see pictures of your family. And stop bragging!"

Wrath wouldn't sit still while he ate either. He jumped everywhere, eating upside down or on his side. Crumbs were all over the floor. "Romeo, sweetie," she said, using his fake name in case someone overhead. "Why don't you read a book while Mommy does some work?"

"Okay!"  
A half-hour went in peace and Sloth actually completed a few papers before Wrath started his antics again. "Mommy, I'm cold! Can I make the curtains into a coat?"

"No. Get warm some other way."

"Okay!"

After two minutes, Sloth sniffed the air again. "Romeo, what is that smell?"

Wrath jumped up and down. "I started a fire with alchemy to get warm!" he announced.

Sloth didn't hesitate. She leaped out of her leather armchair and searched for the fire, but she couldn't find it at all. "Where's the fire, Wrath?" she said, in her anger forgetting to use his fake name.

"Find it yourself!" The fire alarms began to blare.

* * *

Sloth was in a horrible mood when she got home. Wrath, oblivious to his mother's souring demeanor, was still shouting and laughing. "Fun day! Fun day!"

"Is something the matter?" Lust asked when they got home.

"As if you don't know," Sloth snarled. "It was all over the news."

"What was?" Greed asked.

"How my darling 'Romeo' set Central Command on fire. Luckily, the fire was contained and only was in my office- completely destroying the reports I was supposed to turn in tomorrow."

Lust frowned. "Next year, keep your mouth shut when it comes the time for Take-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day."  
"Whose fault do you think this is?" Sloth screamed.

"Yours," Envy replied. "You should have been watching him."

"I was working! If I had my way, he wouldn't even have been anywhere _near _Central Command!"

"You should be a stricter mother," Dante said.

"I am a strict mother! He's too troublesome of a boy!"

Wrath looked up at his mother. "I'm troublesome?" he said. The familiar lip quiver was beginning to come on again.

"Not at all, sweetie," Sloth lied. Anything to get him to be quiet. "Let's get you into a bath, all right? Then you can transmute your pants back to Mommy's curtains, okay?"

"Okay."

Twenty minutes later, Sloth was drinking a tea with blackberry honey, sitting on the couch, listening to the radio. "Fire was contained... seemed to be of alchemical origin... believed to be attempted assassination of Fuhrer... will catch vandal..." Sloth groaned and turned to the classical music channel. She was rather certain that Edward Elric wouldn't have set her office on fire.

"You can't have everything," she whispered, then glanced at Wrath as he was sleeping serenely. "I really do love that kid," she said.

"Good," Lust said, coming behind her. "We all love him. Envy and Greed too, even though they don't show it."

"He's a little inexperienced with the ways of the world, that's all," Sloth said. "After all, spending ten years of your life on an island with no one else around can make you a little ignorant when it comes to civilization."  
"You speak like you're such an expert," Lust said.

"Well, aren't I? I have her memories... she's been a mother far longer than I have."

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right!" Sloth exclaimed.

Their conversation was stopped by a scream. Greed poked his head through the door. "Sloth! Contain your little nuisance, will you?"

Sloth sighed and stood up. Lust smiled. "Well... get to work, Miss Expert Douglas."

Sloth frowned. "You and Wrath- you're both completely evil."

Lust laughed. "As if you aren't!"


	4. Haircut Day

Haircut Day

Sloth, singing as she fried eggs on the pan, glanced at the calendar over the stove to see a big red sticker that said, "Haircut Day," over the date.

"Well, if it isn't haircut day," she whispered, then called, "Breakfast's ready!"

The only thing everyone wanted to talk about during breakfast was, of course, the impending haircut. "I don't need one," Envy said. "I can just change my form so my hair is shorter."  
"Everyone is getting a haircut," Dante said. "It wouldn't hurt you to try a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a walking palm tree."

"I'm a little worried about Wrath," Sloth confided. "He gets so wound up when he hears about haircuts."  
"So don't tell him," Greed said, staring at his own haircut in a hand-held mirror. He ran his hand through his hair, wondering if he should try a mohawk instead of his spiky array, but then decided not to.

"Don't tell him? What do you mean?"  
"Exactly that," Lust said. "Don't tell him where we're going. Give him something to do while the barber does his hair too, so he won't notice until the haircut is done." She took the hand-held mirror from Greed and looked at her own silky, black tresses. "Should I try a bob? Or maybe shoulder length? Hair that goes down to your hips is kind of annoying to brush at night."

"Try brushing mine," Envy grumbled.

"If you don't like your haircut, get another one," Lust retorted.

Wrath chose that moment to come to the kitchen, having smelled eggs and bacon from his room. "Whatcha talking about?" he asked innocently.

"Nothing," Dante said. "Just... my latest evil scheme."

"Oh, cool. Am I a part of it?"  
"If you behave."

"Yay! I'm in an evil scheme! Did you hear that, Mommy? I'm in an evil scheme!"

Sloth whispered to Lust, "How am supposed to make sure he doesn't realize what the barber's doing?"  
"You're right, that's a challenge. How about you offer him money?"  
"Not a chance."

"Ice cream? A new toy? A vacation? Anything!"

"Easier said than done," Sloth replied, watching the boy jump up and down on a couch.

"I'm in an evil scheme! I'm in an evil scheme!"

* * *

"What if we blindfold him and tie his ankles and wrists together? That way he won't know until he's done," Greed suggested once Wrath was out of earshot.

"That's kidnapping."

"You're practically his mother. How is that kidnapping?"

"Think of something else."

Greed thought for a moment, than called, "Wrath, come here."

"Yes, Uncle Greedy?"

"Everyone's going to a special place, all right?"

"All right."

* * *

The sins and Dante walked down the street, each thinking of ways to contain Wrath when the time came for his haircut. Sloth couldn't think of any styles she wanted, so she decided to leave her hair the way it was, only a few centimeters shorter. Wrath was running five or six yards ahead of them before he would sprint back and start again.

When they reached the barbershop, Sloth was worried that Wrath would realize where they were when he saw the sign. "What's that sign say, Mommy?" Wrath asked.

Sloth thanked her lucky stars that she hadn't taught Wrath how to read yet.

"It says... 'Funnest Place in the World,' Wrath," she lied. Wrath's hair was really long and desperately needed a cut. She was willing to do whatever it took to get him in a barber's chair.

"Okay!" He burst through the door and into the shop, probably expecting to see a playground, but only saw old ladies with their hair being curled and someone shampooing their head. "This place is boring, Mommy," Wrath protested. "The person who wrote the sign lied."  
Sloth ignored him because she was listening to Dante's plan. "Here's how it works," Dante said. "Envy is going to have his haircut first. That way, Wrath won't think too much of it when he comes back, because Envy changes his appearance almost daily just for fun."

"Why am I getting a haircut anyway?" Envy interrupted. "It's kind of pointless since I can change shape."

Dante glared at him and continued, "Greed will watch Wrath. When Envy comes back, Greed will have his haircut and stay outside of the room where we'll be keeping Wrath. We'll all have our haircuts, then we'll stay out of the room until it's time for Wrath's. It will probably take three or four of us to get him on the chair, but Sloth will subdue him with... with whatever it is she uses that makes him shut up. Then we shall go home, victorious and conquerors of Wrath's superbly long hair!"

The plan went well. Wrath didn't suspect a thing- until it was time to get him into the chair. "No, Mommy! I don't want to!"

"You have to, sweetie. Everyone gets a haircut on haircut day."

Envy frowned. He had kept his palm-tree haircut, but had cut it much, much shorter. The strands barely went past his chin now, and he decided that it was a rather exotic look for him. "Look, Wrath. You can do this the easy way, or you can do this the hard way. You'll either sit in that chair... or I'LL MAKE YOU!"  
"No!"

Greed said, "Uncle Greedy will pay you."

"How much?"

"Fifty dollars."  
"Not enough. Two hundred and fifty."

"No way, you little scumbag. What, you trying to rob me?"

Sloth sighed. "Please, Wrath. For Mommy?"

"No!"

Sloth thought for a moment, then offered, "We can go out for ice-cream?"

"No!"  
Enough was enough. Dante couldn't stand it anymore. "Wrath, you will get in that chair or so help me, you'll wish you stayed with Izumi Curtis."  
Wrath gulped and looked genuinely scared, then got over his fear and replied, "No!"  
That did it. The other sins each grabbed a limb and dragged Wrath to the chair while he screamed, kicked, and yelled, attracting the attention of everyone in the barbershop. When they finally reached the chair, Envy produced a length of rope- "I thought it might come in handy,"- and then they tied him to the chair.

"Look," Sloth said to the barber. "He really needs a haircut and he's petrified of barbershops. Do you mind trying to give him a nice, comfortable experience and a haircut he'll absolutely love? I'm willing to pay you more than the normal fee for haircuts."  
"That's not necessary. The little guy will love his haircut." The barber walked over to Wrath. "So, kiddo, what kind of haircut do you want?"  
"I like the one I have now."

"Look, kid, your mom is paying me to give you a haircut, so I'm giving you a haircut. What type of haircut do you want?"

"I like the one I have now."  
The barber turned to Sloth, who had guessed something like this might occur. She opened a magazine and pointed to a man with split bangs that reached his eyebrows and not-too-short-and-perfectly-elegant hair. "This one will do nicely," she said.

The barber nodded, then took out his scissors and grabbed a handful of Wrath's hair. "Whatcha doing, Mister? I told you, I like my haircut."

"Too bad, kid," the barber said, and started snipping.

For the entire length it took to give Wrath his haircut- about fifteen minutes- the barbershop was full of howls and inhumane screams. "Murder! Murder! They're killing my hair! Help! MOMMMMY!"

Lust, who was trying to read a newspaper, looked up at Sloth and glared. "Get the kid to be quiet, will you?" she grumbled.

"I wish I could," Sloth replied.

When the haircut was finished, Wrath stared at the clumps of hair that had fallen onto the floor and began to pick them up. "He's going to try alchemy," Dante groaned. "He wants to absorb the fallen hair and make his haircut the way it was before."  
Sloth was on him in seconds. Suddenly, Wrath found himself very wet and his hair was floating away on small rivulets of water. "Mommy!" he cried. "Why did you do that?"

Luckily, no one but the sins knew what truly had soaked Wrath- everyone in the shop was certain it was a broken water pipe. "Let's go home, Wrath," Sloth pleaded. Whether it was the urge to get out of the place that had killed his hair or the begging tone in Sloth's voice, Wrath got off the chair, handed the barber the money for the haircut, then ran out the door.

"He looks rather elegant, actually," Lust said. "Like a little man."

"You look beautiful too," Sloth complimented. "You straightened your hair." It was also shorter, reaching only her shoulders, instead of her hips, like before.

Lust shrugged. "It'll be wavy in a couple of days," she said. "Whatever chemicals those humans put in my hair won't affect it for long. At least it won't grow back overnight."

"That's good," Sloth said.

"Have you seen Gluttony?" Lust asked.

"Oh, he's at home," Dante answered, overhearing.

"That's no fair, Mommy! You said EVERYONE gets a haircut on haircut day! How come Gluttony has no haircut?" Wrath screamed, enraged.

"He has no hair," Greed told him.

"Get him hair!" Wrath said.

He wouldn't relent until Sloth walked into the wig shop, bought a curly wig, and plopped it on Gluttony's head. "Now cut it," he commanded.

Sighing, Dante- who had gotten rid of her bob and traded it for straight hair- took a pair of kitchen scissors and started cutting the wig until it wasn't recognizable.

"Now everyone's had a haircut!" Wrath cried. "Yippee!"

"Let's get you in a bath, and then I'll read you a story," Sloth said.

"Okay!"

A half-hour later, a weary Sloth climbed into bed, tired and having a horrible headache, but a victor. She and the other sins had conquered Wrath's hair.


	5. Exposure

Exposure

Sloth set down the stack of papers and sighed, stretching. Lately, her shoulders had begun cramping during work, and it was really driving her insane. Fuhrer King Bradley, leader of Amestris and also the homunculus Pride, walked into the room and saw her rubbing her shoulders with a sigh. "Everything all right, Miss Douglas?" he asked.

"My shoulders are cramping," she said.

"Tough." He exited and went about one of his mysterious errands, most of which Sloth secretly suspected were spent trying to find ways to make him Dante's favorite. Groaning, she picked up the paperwork again, began to sign her name without even reading what it said, then stopped as another shoulder cramp caused her hand to jerk and draw a long line of black ink across the page.

"Perfect," she muttered. The page was printed on some type of heavy paper that Sloth was absolutely certain was expensive, and some military big-shot had pressed his wax seal on a corner of it. It would have been a royal pain to ask that person to re-seal the document and costly to re-print it.

At that moment, Alphonse Elric walked into the room and dropped another stack of papers onto Sloth's desk. "These are from Mustang," Alphonse explained. "Do you think you can have them ready by noon?"

"There isn't a prayer that I could," she replied, then winced as yet another cramp came on. _I'm a homunculus! _She thought angrily. _How in the world do I get shoulder cramps?_

"Are you all right, Miss Douglas?" Alphonse asked, noting her look of discomfort.

"Shoulder cramps. Anyway, Roy's deadline is ridiculous!"

"Sorry, Miss Douglas. If you have a problem with the deadline, you should bring it up with Colonel Mustang." Alphonse said goodbye and walked away.

"I've already taken it up with him," Sloth said, even though she knew Alphonse couldn't hear her. She folded up a list of soon-to-be-promoted-people, a list with a name newly crossed out, and smiled.

* * *

When Sloth got home, she was not in a good mood and her shoulders were very sore. She ignored Wrath's pleas for attention, Dante's shouts to make Wrath stop shouting, and Greed's flirtatious remarks. Sighing, she sat down at the table and opened her briefcase to finish up some paperwork she had to postpone (thanks to Roy's stack of papers). "You know," Lust said, coming up behind her, "you should take a break."

"And let you people starve? Why don't all you get a job yourself?"

Ignoring the question, Lust said, "Take a sport or something."

"That's a great idea, actually," Dante said, walking up. "You should join a swim team."

Sloth looked down at her papers, embarrassed. "Well... the thing is... even though I'm made of water... and it just... so you see..."

"Spit it out, girl!" Dante snapped.

"I can't swim!"

Her sudden cry left the room in a complete standstill. Envy, who was wrestling Wrath, stopped and looked up with a look of surprise on his face. "You... cannot... swim?"

Sloth nodded miserably. She had never felt more useless in her life. "You see... the thing is..."_  
_"I don't want to hear excuses! We'll just have to teach you, then," Dante said.

"Teach me?"

"Yes. I cannot believe you can't swim. It's completely unexpected. Couldn't Trisha swim?"

"Well, um, yes, but you always tell me I'm _not _Trisha, so I don't see what this has to do with anything..."

Sloth stopped as a towel hit her in the face. "Go get one of Lust's swimsuits," Dante ordered. "They should be clean- I just did the laundry."

Sloth stared at the pool with a look of utter horror plastered on her face. She was worried she'd die tragically. She knew homunculi were almost death-proof; they couldn't die from injury, being attacked, or old age.

No one said a thing about drowning in a swimming pool.

"So..." Sloth said slowly, "How exactly do you plan to teach me?"

"The way I learned," Dante replied, "over 400 years ago. Often, it is old methods that work best."

"So, what is this great method?"

"Exposure."

"Exposure?"

"Yep. Exposure." With that, Dante deftly pushed Sloth into the deep end of the pool.

Sloth resurfaced spluttering. "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!" she yelled as she desperately kicked towards the wall.

"Heavens no!" Dante responded. "As if I could- you homunculii die harder than cockroaches. Anyway, when _I _learned I was thrown into a raging river. Don't tell me that's not a much harder learning environment."

Sloth reached the rail and pushed her hair out of her face. "Yeah, whatever. I can take this 'exposure' in the shallow end now."

"I don't think so," Envy responded. "It doesn't work in the shallow end, you nimbus." He stepped on her hand.

Sloth yelped and fell under the surface, swallowing a bunch of water since her mouth was still open when her head submerged. Kicking desperately, her head broke water and she smiled at her accomplishment. Kicking desperately + not giving up = staying above the surface.

Dante glared at Envy. "That was a bit over-board, even for you," she admonished. "Apologize."

"Sorry," Envy said, trying not to snicker.

Dante sighed and pushed him in as well.

Envy resurfaced faster than Sloth. "What was that for?!" he raged.

"Oh, please. I didn't like your tone at all. You're going to help Sloth. The faster she swims, the faster you get out."

"You are a terrible mother."

Dante smiled coldly. "The pool closes in half an hour. If we have to come back here tomorrow, Envy, I promise you that you will be very, very miserable. So. Show me what you've got."

Envy sighed and turned to face Sloth. "Come and get me," he said, turning into a perfect doppelganger of herself.

Sloth groaned. "You got my nose too big."

Envy scowled. "I did not!"

"Yes, you did. Besides, I'm not attacking _myself_. I'm not stupid."

Envy shrugged, then gazed at his reflection in the pool water. "Dang it, I DID get your nose too big," he muttered. "I need some practice with the girls. Okay, time for Plan B!"

Sloth raised an eyebrow.

Envy's image shimmered, then he was a perfect replica of Fuhrer Bradley. "Juliette," Envy said, "I am not giving you that raise I promised you!"

Sloth shook her head. "Can't attack my boss."  
Envy almost screamed. "Don't you want to when he says that on a weekly basis?"

"Yes... but if I do I'd lose my job, and then all you losers wouldn't have a place to stay because we'd get evicted."

Envy couldn't believe it. "You... are a real goody-two-shoes, aren't you? Is the Trisha inside pushing away your cold-blooded murderer self?"

Sloth frowned. Envy laughed. "Oh ho ho! Did I hit a sore spot? Well, _Trisha, _maybe I should tell you that your husband left you and didn't care about you at all, hmm? Maybe I should tell you all about how he had a son 400 years before your marriage and never told you. Maybe I should tell you all about how your little boys cry at night because they created you and lost their flesh in return! Maybe I should-"

"Shut up!" Sloth yelled. "Shut up before I rip your mouth off, all right? I'm... not... Trisha, so shut up!"

"If ya want me to, you know where to find me. Come and get me, you third-rate goon! Your face isn't even yours, is it? It's _Triiishhaaa's_!" Envy sang out, then yelped as Sloth had somehow made it to him and attempted to claw his own face. He screamed and swam away as fast as he could, then climbed out of the pool and ran into the family change room.

"Family change room?" Lust asked.

"He can't go in any other," Dante said. "He's genderless."

"Ah-ha..."  
Meanwhile, Sloth climbed out of the pool as well. This time, no one stopped her. She turned to Dante. "I'm... going home," she said. Her cheeks were wet, though Dante couldn't tell whether she had been crying or it was simply because of the pool water. Sloth was shivering too, Dante noticed. "I'm going home."

Envy poked his head out of the change room. "Just make sure you don't get on the train to Risembool!"

"Excuse me," Greed said, then ran to Envy and smacked him on the head. "Enough is enough, you jerk!" Greed said.

"I didn't know it was a sore spot," Envy said, rubbing his head.

"Of course you did!" Greed spat. "That's why you did it. Jerkity McJerkalot..."

Sloth walked right past them and into the woman's change room. A few moments later, she emerged dressed in her homunculus outfit. She still ignored Envy and Greed and left the building. Dante came up behind Envy and slapped him as well, before exiting with Lust. Gluttony followed suit, munching on a mint he had stolen from Dante's purse.

* * *

Sloth had lied. She didn't feel very guilty about lying, but she did worry that the other homunculii would go nuts when they found out she wasn't home like she had said. In truth, Sloth was aimlessly wandering around Central. Sitting down on a park bench, she closed her eyes so as to make sure that the tear at the corner of her eye wouldn't slip down.

"Mommy! Look at this!" Sloth opened her eyes and noticed a boy run up to his mother, showing her a small wooden trinket. The memories came in great waves after that.

_Mom! Mom! Mom, look at this! I made it, with alchemy! Isn't it neat?_

_Mom, when is Dad coming home?_

_Mom, are you okay?_

_Mom! I'm hungry!_

A tear fell down her cheek. Sloth bent over and sobbed. She had memories that Edward couldn't possibly have given her- things Edward didn't know about and thus couldn't have engraved into her lifeless form at the transmutation. What did that mean? Did it mean she was really...?

"No," Sloth whispered. "I don't care what name I go by- Juliette, or Sloth, or Mommy, or whatever. I don't care so long as... no one calls me Trisha."


	6. Wrath At School

Wrath... at School

Sloth hummed to herself as she walked down the street, and immediately stopped as memories hit her once again. _Hey, Mom! Teacher conferences tonight! You're gonna love my teacher!_

_Well, your father's not going to go, so I suppose I have to. Where's your brother?_

_Out back. Mom!_

_Hmm?_

_Can you pretend I'm the sweetest little boy in Amestris?_

_You are, Edward._

_My teacher's not so sure of that._

Sloth sighed and leaned against a wall for support. Lately, whenever the memories hit, she felt nausea and dizziness accompany them, as well as her two sides conflicting. One side she named "Trisha" and the other "Evilic"

_You miss them a lot, _Trisha said.

_Oh, who cares about them? You're a homunculus! You don't need them. You live forever! Besides, they want their mother, not you! _Evilic retorted rather rudely.

_You _are_ their mother, _Trisha whispered.

_No, she isn't, you ninny, _Evilic said.

Sloth mentally screamed at them to shut up, and to her happiness, they did. She briefly wondered whether or not she was developing split-personality disorder. When the nausea disappeared, she picked up her suitcase from where she had dropped it and continued to walk back to her apartment. She had been thinking of something before the memories... what was it? Oh! She remembered. She had been thinking of signing Wrath up to go to school. He needed an education if he was to become human.

Not to mention the other sins were going out of their minds babysitting the little boy while she was away at work.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lust was busy babysitting the most annoying ten-year-old ever to set foot in Amestris. "Lust, can we play tag?"

"No."

"Can we listen to the radio?"

"Actually, that's a great idea! Here, let me put on some music." She turned on Wrath's purple radio, a treasure he pilfered with his "Uncle Greedy," and turned the knob until she found the music broadcast. She closed her eyes in contentment as soft piano music wafted out of the speakers and into the room.

"No, Aunty Lust! We gotta listen to _real _radio," Wrath protested, reaching over Lust- despite her protests- and tuned in to a radio theater show about alchemists. "Heh heh! Boom boom boom!" he cried, imitating the sound of the guns blaring out of the speakers.

Lust reached over and with one finger pressed the OFF button.

"What? Why'd you do that, Aunty Lust?" Wrath asked.

"Because I _hate _radio theater," Lust answered. "Almost as much as I hate alchemy, and that broadcast was _about_ alchemy! Ugh! It's two things I hate... rolled into one!"

Wrath watched Lust stand up and use her Ultimate Spear to hit some targets she had set up on her wall- pictures of the Elric brothers, her ex-boyfriend that she had met shortly after her creation (and quickly dumped), Scar, and one of Wrath himself. He watched in fascination as her fingernails grew, hitting each figure with precision and accuracy, at least a few times each second. "Cool!" he cried, and kept watching... until he grew incredibly bored.

"Aunty Lust, let's play Twister!"

Remembering how Dante had barely managed to escape that alive, Lust quickly barred the way to the closet that held the board games. "How about we learn our alphabet?" she said with a smile, hoping it didn't look too fake.

Either she was an amazing actress, or Wrath was a complete dolt. He fell for it. "Teach me letters!" he cried.

_This letter is "a." Say it, Alphonse. "A."_

_"__A."_

_Good. Now, we draw "a" like this..._

Sloth shook her head to clear the memories out as she stepped into the apartment. "I have good news," she called to the sins, who were all arranged around the dinner table for their evening meal.

"What is it?" Dante said. "You've finally decided to do something about that secretary dress of yours? The color combination is just... disgusting."

"No," Sloth said, glaring at her. "I _have _to wear that- Fuhrer's orders, and it's not even that bad. Anyway, I've signed Wrath up for school. He's in the third grade."

"Are you sure he's ready for the third grade?" Greed asked. "He hasn't had any schooling at all."

"Oh, so you want to home school him, is that it?" Sloth retorted. She noted with satisfaction that none of the other homunculi wanted to do that. "Besides, I can't sign him up for Kindergarten. He's practically ten years old. Don't you think he'd be completely embarrassed?"

"So what if he's held back a few grades?" Dante said. "It's better for him- in the long run."  
"I told the principal that if he's having too hard of a time, I'll _consider _dropping him back to the second grade. I'm meeting his teacher tomorrow to finalize the enrollment. It'll be his first day of school."  
Wrath, who hadn't eaten anything and was just poking his "meat" with a fork, suddenly sat straighter. "School?"

"Yes, sweetie. School."  
"Did you go to school?"

"Yes, I did, when I was ten. Tomorrow you can come with me, if you like."

"Okay."

Lust shook her head, and Envy noted. "What's wrong, Lust?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing," she replied. "It's just that I'm absolutely certain something will go horribly wrong... as usual."

"That's rather rude."  
"It's also rather true."

* * *

Wrath did not like the school uniform.

"It's itchy," he complained, tugging at his collar as he walked beside Sloth down the street.

"Don't pull on your collar. You'll widen it."

"I don't care!"

"You _want _to look nice for school, don't you?"

He nodded. After a few more moments of walking, the two reached a low, squat building with a school bell on top. "This is your school," Sloth said. "Central Children's Academy."

"It looks ugly," Wrath complained.

Sloth didn't comment and led him into the school building. She used the signs posted along various walls to locate the third grade classroom. "Now, Wrath, sweetie," she said before they went inside the door. "I've signed you up under a different name, all right?"

"Is it Romeo, because I hated it when they called me that when you took me to work."

"No. I signed you up under the name Michael. You can be a Michael for me, right?"  
"Yeah..."

"Good. Let's go inside." Sloth rapped on the door with her knuckles then promptly opened it and strode inside. "Are you coming?"

Wrath followed her and gasped as he saw that there were about twenty other children sitting in desks. "Mommy, there's a lot of people..." he whispered. "Too many people..."

"You'll be fine, Michael." She walked up to the teacher. "Hello, I'm Juliette Douglas. We spoke on the phone the other night. This is my son Michael." Wrath waved hello and hid behind Sloth.

"Hello, Michael," the teacher said, smiling. "I'm your teacher, Mrs. Curntas."

"Curtis?!" Wrath shrieked. "Mommy, she said Curtis! No Curtis! No Curtis! No Curtis!"

"Sweetie, she said Curntas," Sloth corrected. She turned to Mrs. Curntas and apologized. "Curtis is the surname of his biological mother, and he is absolutely petrified of her. He reacts strangely to the name Curtis. I'm terribly sorry."  
"Well, it's okay. No harm done. So, Michael... why don't you show me how to spell your name?"

It was then Sloth realized she had forgotten how to show Wrath to do that. Luckily, Lust had drilled the alphabet so hard into his brain that Wrath easily guessed how to spell Michael and even wrote it with a display of penmanship that made Sloth feel proud (even though Lust was the one who taught him). "Okay, Michael, Mommy's got to go to work," she said. "Be a good boy for Mrs. Curntas. I'll pick you up after school. Don't leave the building until I come get you, all right?"

"Sure, Mommy."

"Bye, sweetie."  
As Sloth walked away, she was fairly certain things would go well. After all, Wrath needed friends. He was sure to connect quickly, being such a charming boy. She snickered at the thought of Wrath being "charming," then felt guilty and stopped.

After all, as his mother, shouldn't she be the one rooting for him?

It was only half-way through the school day when she received the first phone call. "Hello, Miss Douglas?"

"Yes, that would be me. Fuhrer's office. How may I help you?"

"Um, it's about your son Michael."

"What did he do this time?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yes. He won't do anything we tell him to! Do you mind talking to him?"

A moment later, Wrath was on the other side of the phone. "Michael, sweetie," Sloth said, "Listen to your teacher."

"Why?"

"Would you rather Grandma be your teacher?"

The teacher wasn't quite sure what the two said to each other over the phone, but she did note that Wrath's behavior improved tremendously.

* * *

The first conferences a month later showed that Wrath indeed was behind the other classmates but was easily catching up. "He's doing quite well for being so far behind," Mrs. Curntas said. "He was home schooled?"

"Oh, no," Sloth said quickly. If she said yes, Mrs. Curntas would automatically assume that she was a bad teacher. "I adopted him just this year. It seems he lived most of his life on a desolate island, abandoned by his birth mother. She came for him later, but he didn't want to stay with her. I wouldn't either, if my mother had left me on an island for years."

"I see. Well, I don't think Michael will have to repeat the grade, but he might have some extra trouble in the fourth grade."

"Ah. I suppose it'll be up to him, really. I don't have much time to help him at home since I'm always at work, but his three uncles, his aunt, and his grandmother should be able to lend some support."

"Uncles, aunt, and grandmother?"

"Yes. My brothers and sister live with me, and my mother can't really take care of herself anymore." She mentally laughed because no one would have assumed Dante to be the "grandmother." She looked so young (thanks to taking over Lyra's body) that practically no one could have guessed. Unfortunately, that left only Lust to assume to be the grandmother. She was youthful in appearance, but Dante was even more so.

"One last thing. I asked the children to write down their goals in life, and Michael's was a bit... interesting."

Sloth had actually been expecting the word "disturbing," but was glad to hear the word "interesting." She sighed. "How?"  
"Well, here's his paper," Mrs. Curntas said and handed her a paper.

_Michael Wrath Douglas_

_My Goales_

_My goales in liffe arr simpul- I just wanna bring Mommi back if she crouks. To do this, I need the Philusopherr's Stune. I can't let Mommi die- I won't let Mommi die!  
I want to beecome human... is that a baad thing?_

Sloth groaned. She hadn't signed "Michael" up with a middle name, but it hadn't taken him long to get one. She was touched that Wrath wanted to bring her back if she ever died- which was practically impossible- but she was a bit annoyed that he wrote down his goal to be human. Also, human transmutation was illegal, so he shouldn't have written that down either.

"I'll have a talk with him," Sloth said. "I need to tell him that once things are dead, they stay dead. He's already human... he just likes to pretend that he's a homunculus sometimes, that's all."  
_If only that were the case with us seven, _she thought miserably as she walked away. _Would I have been better off if Edward and Alphonse had just let Trisha Elric stay dead? _

* * *

It seemed as if Wrath was progressing in school and his teacher made no other mention of Wrath's illegal wishes. Sloth had sternly (but kindly) informed Wrath that the homunculi's goals were to be kept secret and that if he ever had to do a similar assignment he should just make something up.

Close to the end of spring, Wrath even was caught up. It made Sloth incredibly happy to see him progress so well, and it made the other sins joyous that he wasn't around the house. That was why she was completely surprised when she saw the note.

Wrath had handed it to her sheepishly, repeating a million times before giving it to her, "Please don't be mad please don't be mad please don't be mad please don't be mad..."

Unsure what the note would say, Sloth opened it and her heart sank. Wrath had been _expelled _for attacking another student... three times in the same day. The first time was in the morning, and the teacher had told him to stop or he would be sent to the principal's office. The second time was during the lunch break, and he was sent to the office as Mrs. Curntas attempted to reach Sloth but was unable to.

_Unable to? Why? _Sloth then suddenly remembered that after nine o'clock that morning she had smashed her phone to bits because she was sick of the Fuhrer's "wife" calling in about how absolutely certain she was that there was something going on between the Fuhrer and his younger, and (far) more beautiful secretary. She just hadn't felt like answering any more phone calls that day, so she had sent a note down to Sheska explaining that her phone was "nonfunctional" and that a replacement needed to be sent.

The third time was right before school was about to go out.

"What did this student do that upset you so much?" Sloth asked.

Wrath sniffed, and Sloth saw that he was crying while she had read the note. It seemed Wrath really had enjoyed school and didn't want to get expelled at all. "At our desks, we're allowed to keep a picture of our family," Wrath said. "So, I had a picture of you, me, Aunty Lust, Uncle Greedy, Uncle Envy, Gluttony, and Grandma. Jodi saw the picture and he told me I looked nothing like you, so I said I was adopted. Then he said that Grandma was definitely _not _my grandma because she was too young, and he wouldn't believe me when I told him she was 400."

"Is that it?"

"No, I was just pausing for breath. He saw that we had posed so that all of our Ouroboros marks could be seen, and he said they were stupid-looking. Then he asked why one arm is colored different from another and why my hair is so long."

"Is that why you beat him up?"

"No. I beat him up because he said you weren't my mommy and that some Curtis lady was. He remembered the first day... and then I punched him."

Sloth hugged him. "Wrath, you shouldn't react so violently when you get angry," she said, rubbing his back to soothe him.

"What do you expect? He's Wrath," Greed said, coming up behind the two of them. "He's supposed to get angry, and you're supposed to be lazy."

"Well, I'm the only one with a job," Sloth snapped.

"I call that irony."

"I don't care what you call it. He shouldn't attack someone just because his birth mother was mentioned." She turned to Wrath and embraced him. "It's okay, Wrath, sweetie. No matter what they say, I'll keep you away from Izumi. I promise you, I'll make sure she never touches you again. If she left you in the Gate, she didn't care about you in the first place."

"Nu-uh. I have a new mommy now."

"Yes, and this mommy loves you very much," Sloth whispered, running her hands through his hair.

"Mommy, you left your own sons, though."

Sloth stopped as Wrath continued. "You're Edward and Alphonse's mommy too, aren't you? You love them, right? So why do you want to kill them?"

Sloth attempted to hide the tears that were falling from her eyes and wiped them away quickly. "I... I want to be their mommy very badly, Wrath," she whispered. "They just won't let me, because they say that their mommy is someone else. So... I need to prove... that I am someone else, because if I really am their mommy..."

"It means they rejected what they aimed for in the first place," Envy finished for her. "Okay, all tears and pain aside, I have something important to point out."

"What's that?"

"Now that your little brat's been kicked out of school, someone has to babysit him again. Guess whose turn it is?" Envy pointed at Lust, who was sprawled on the couch reading a magazine. She looked up, realized what they were saying, and seemed horrified.

"Oh. My. Gate," she hissed. "No... no, no, no... why can't you stay in school?!"


End file.
